One Year Out: What To Do?

We recently lost of the last of our five cats, to renal and thyroid disease, and simply old age - he was 19 after all. This little, lively, rambunctious, all black companion saw me through divorce, remarriage and several moves and job changes, within and from Georgia to Florida and then on to Maryland. His loss reminds me of my own aging and mortality, but in a way also feels like I can move on and make some more changes. Now we are patiently waiting for our 13-year-old 60lb mixed breed brindle colored short hair neurotic high maintenance dog to find his way to eternal peace as well, so we can leave home at a moment’s notice and for longer periods more easily. Meanwhile I have been feeling increasingly restless in the past few months, especially since I got back from a fun and stimulating two-week trip to Japan at the end of June. (See Japan blog..)

I’ve been reading several books and articles that are focusing on aging Boomers, viewing retirement as simply the next active phase in their lives, e.g., http://www.nextavenue.org, http://changingaging.org/, http://www.erniezelinski.com/How-to-Retire-Happy,-Wild,-and-Free.html. I feel an increasing need to do something more substantive, more meaningful, and that serves a larger purpose than simply keeping myself stimulated and entertained. Does this mean going back to work part-time for pay? Does it mean finding a volunteer opportunity that I can get more passionate about than the small things I’m doing in my local community? This spring and summer I have been working hard on a native plant garden that we have been implementing for a couple of years, to the point where I enjoy it, for the first time in my life. But it doesn’t feel like my passion, plus how is that going to use what I’m really good at?

Or is all this just a distraction from my real job right now, which is to choose to change, before I get involved in something big? Whenever I start fantasizing about some new direction in my life, my ever- present inner critic quickly convinces me that I’m probably not up to the task. I am still struggling with my chronic negative thinking about myself and the world. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve had some physical annoyances, such as a bum shoulder and periodic vertigo, which reminds me on a daily basis that my aging body will never be what it once was, making it easier to get into the negative thinking spiral. I suppose that online course I took for about three months (see previous post) was a step in the right direction, although I’m still working on it. And I’m continuing with another self-study video course, aptly called “Choose to Change.” We’ll see.