A Timeout

My right (dominant) arm had been bothering me for months, so much so that I quit swimming (my favorite exercise which I have been doing regularly for several decades). I adapted my exercise regimen and substituted more biking and “ellipticalling” at the Y. But apparently vigorous weeding, too much mousing, and my age caught up with me, and after two doctors, some physical therapy, an MRI showing a partial rotator cuff tear, and a cortisone shot, I succumbed to a surgical solution. For the first six weeks after surgery I wore a sling. It became a game to learn how to use my left hand, to dress myself, brush and floss my teeth, prepare and eat food, wash my hair and my body, and get any kind of exercise (mostly walking), all the while reminding myself that using the nondominant hand to do things is good for the brain. I should be brilliant by the time I get over this. Sleeping was the biggest challenge since I was required to sleep on my back. I was advised to use a recliner, which I tried for a couple of nights. Then I made a pillow nest in the bed so that I could not roll in either direction. I found that I could not sleep for more than 5-6 hours in this one position, so I ended up using the recliner for daily naps. After the long weeks of wearing the sling except for showering, and thinking soon I could re-start upper body conditioning, I learned that after removing the sling, I now had six MORE weeks of physical therapy, done at home and consisting of sitting at a table or standing next to a wall and crawling my hand forward and upward respectively, on a daily basis. There has indeed been progress, slow but steady, but more pain as everything gradually stretches out, and sometimes I fall into despair imagining that I will never again have full range of motion or enough strength to swim again. I am eagerly anticipating my forthcoming followup with the doctor to find out what I’m allowed to do next.

One Year Out: What To Do?

We recently lost of the last of our five cats, to renal and thyroid disease, and simply old age - he was 19 after all. This little, lively, rambunctious, all black companion saw me through divorce, remarriage and several moves and job changes, within and from Georgia to Florida and then on to Maryland. His loss reminds me of my own aging and mortality, but in a way also feels like I can move on and make some more changes. Now we are patiently waiting for our 13-year-old 60lb mixed breed brindle colored short hair neurotic high maintenance dog to find his way to eternal peace as well, so we can leave home at a moment’s notice and for longer periods more easily. Meanwhile I have been feeling increasingly restless in the past few months, especially since I got back from a fun and stimulating two-week trip to Japan at the end of June. (See Japan blog..)

I’ve been reading several books and articles that are focusing on aging Boomers, viewing retirement as simply the next active phase in their lives, e.g., http://www.nextavenue.org, http://changingaging.org/, http://www.erniezelinski.com/How-to-Retire-Happy,-Wild,-and-Free.html. I feel an increasing need to do something more substantive, more meaningful, and that serves a larger purpose than simply keeping myself stimulated and entertained. Does this mean going back to work part-time for pay? Does it mean finding a volunteer opportunity that I can get more passionate about than the small things I’m doing in my local community? This spring and summer I have been working hard on a native plant garden that we have been implementing for a couple of years, to the point where I enjoy it, for the first time in my life. But it doesn’t feel like my passion, plus how is that going to use what I’m really good at?

Or is all this just a distraction from my real job right now, which is to choose to change, before I get involved in something big? Whenever I start fantasizing about some new direction in my life, my ever- present inner critic quickly convinces me that I’m probably not up to the task. I am still struggling with my chronic negative thinking about myself and the world. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve had some physical annoyances, such as a bum shoulder and periodic vertigo, which reminds me on a daily basis that my aging body will never be what it once was, making it easier to get into the negative thinking spiral. I suppose that online course I took for about three months (see previous post) was a step in the right direction, although I’m still working on it. And I’m continuing with another self-study video course, aptly called “Choose to Change.” We’ll see.

Exercising Mind, Body, and Spirit

Oh dear, more than 6 months since my last post. Let’s call it a period of trying things out: getting involved in my community, learning and growing, using what I already know to make some small difference, and traveling. I work out regularly at the Y, including swimming but also taking several classes such as strength training and line dancing. People have been very friendly and welcoming, I look forward to it, and it has provided my days with some structure. I joined the local community chorus (no auditions required) so I could sing. The chorus practices from August until December, leading up to a couple of Christmas concerts. It has actually been hard work trying to get comfortable with unfamiliar music and rehearsing in the evenings, when I am tired. One fun concert we gave in the fall involved standing on a skipjack (an old-time oystering sailboat) tied at the dock and regaling the audience gathered on the dock for the annual Schooner Rendezvous. The cold wind blew our music around and chilled our backs, but it was fun nevertheless. Then I got sick and missed the big Christmas concert, but at least was able to sit in the audience and enjoy it. Perhaps next year I’ll be more comfortable with the whole routine. I am still seeking volunteer opportunities that would use my skills and experience. Shelving donated books for the FOL is sometimes fun, but I’m also using my online skills to help promote the monthly book sale and to sell the more valuable books for better prices on eBay. I am enjoying making some new friends. More recently, B and I attended an orientation meeting for the Skipjack Nathan volunteers. It is a historic oystering sailboat that provides public historic sails during the summer months. I was soon commandeered into helping maintain the already well-designed website. I started a MOOC last fall from Udacity called “Web Development.” It has been challenging but I have amazed myself to have gotten through 2 of the 7 modules so far. I paused and then took a free online course offered by Google on Python for Programmers, and that has proven to be the most fun I’ve had during retirement. It felt like getting back to the technical aspects of my career that I missed, and it was exciting to find that I could still do it. So now what do I do with it? A few months later I started another MOOC in EdX, called “Unlocking Immunity to Change”, which has been stimulating, frustrating, and possible actually helpful. Finally, we took a Road Scholar trip to Puerto Rico, after months of perusing the catalogs and finally settling on something first not so very far and not so very different, but very active, involving hiking, kayaking, snorkeling, in mountains, wet and dry forests, and water. The trip exceeded my expectations, the group was very amenable, and I am ready to sign up for another one. Just prior to that I also took weekend trips to visit friends in Atlanta and to attend a family reunion in Charleston, so was travel-ready.

The Vacuum

As I retired I deliberately sought to separate myself from my professional life as an academic. I gave almost all my professional books to the library. I tossed (or recycled) nearly all my paper files, journals, manuscripts (my own and others), and miscellaneous detritus from a professional academic life. My thought was to treat this next phase as an opportunity to explore and embark on new and different life, not simply a winding down or part-time extension of what I've been doing for 25+ years. We spent a busy summer moving to a new house (which involved more purging of personal paper, objects, memoriabilia, and unneeded belongings) and then preparing the old house for selling (which involved organizing or doing painting, floor refinishing, pressure washing, cleaning, repairing, replacing, etc.). The house is about to be listed. This summer I also enjoyed a 40th college reunion, a week-long retreat at Kripalu learning how to play harmonica in a mindful, beautiful, spiritual setting, and my nephew's wedding on Kent Island (which involved a lot of driving back and forth, including transporting my 90-year old mom), followed by a few lovely days with some sibs and cousins at Bethany Beach. Now that's all over, and a huge vacuum faces me which wants to be filled. I am forced to confront my same old issues which have immediately started looming. There are so many things I could try, directions I could take, new versions of myself I could envision. WalterMitty-esque, I visualize myself as a successful author of well-written entertaining murder mysteries with deeper layers. Or, working with middle school girls in my community inspiring them to pursue STEM careers. Or, applying my project management skills to helping the Humane Society shut down puppy mills, dog-fighting, illegal importation of exotic animals, and other forms of animal advocacy. Or, applying my various skills and experience to save the Chesapeake Bay (whatever that would be). Each time I am confronted with my long and well-practiced legacy of negative thinking - I worry whether I could really be effective - should I even try? So that brings us to another plan, which is to pull together and regularly practice everything I've learned about meditation and neuroscience and finally changing the programming in my brain. How do I get moving in that direction ...?

Retirement: The Next Adventure

They say that one shouldn't make major life decisions during chemotherapy - chemo brain is well-known to participants if not to all doctors. Yet I did decide during that period that I would retire at age 62. Going in to this decision were the following: 1) a financial analysis revealed that we could indeed do it, and still live our modest yet comfortable life; 2) my department was heading in a direction that I thought was very progressive and appropriate, yet was not a direction I wanted to go professionally; 3) I was just tired of the burden of a) constantly having to learn enough about fast-changing technology to teach effectively, and b) worrying about my non-existent research agenda, which had pretty much disappeared during the previous 5 years, between chairing my department, spending 2 years on leave from my academic post as a practitioner, and then dealing with the cancer; and 4) the cancer could come back, and I want to have some fun before it does. I gave my school a year's notice so they could hire a replacement in time. They took it well, but with regret: every time I saw my Dean he asked if I had changed my mind. Numerous colleagues within and without the business school told me "you will be missed," which always surprised me. Even my students expressed regret, which was pretty amazing for someone constantly worrying about my effectiveness as an instructor. My last 2 semesters I'm convinced I did a better job teaching because I was able to relax, enjoy it, and be myself in front of my students more than I ever had in the past. If only I had known this was possible! Nevertheless, I have never regretted the decision. It has felt like a huge burden taken off my shoulders (which of course had been put there, and kept there, by me). So now I will use this blog to chronicle my journey through this next phase of my life. I hope to use my time in spiritual, physical, emotional, and intellectual growth, incorporating things I've already started, like regular exercise and meditation, as well as things I've wanted to start (or restart) such as having more music in my life. I do expect I will need to find some meaningful volunteer work, but I'm taking the summer off to just relax and have fun, a plan already tempered somewhat due to having to move to our new/old house in Cambridge, MD, and having to fix up and sell our previous house near the university. Meanwhile, I'm perusing adventure travel catalogs, as well as considering buying a small travel trailer that would allow us to take the dog. I'm cooking one new recipe per week. I've joined the local YMCA, which by happy coincidence is about 1/2 mile from our house, and swim 3 times a week. I got a library card and joined "Friends of the Library", hoping to meet new people who read. I sent in a membership check to the local environmental advocacy group. I've found and ridden some good bicycle routes right from our house. A good start ...

YABCB becomes YACB

Update (3 years later): Completed the brachytherapy radiation: uncomfortable, especially sleeping at night, but temporary (1 week, twice a day, and the team even came in one weekend so I wouldn't have to wait 3 days for my final 2 treatments). From there on, I had quarterly blood tests and checkups with yet another new doc, a medical oncologist. He prescribed a 5-year course of arimidex/anastrazole to reduce the cancer-facilitating estrogen in my body and thus prevent recurrence. A couple years later, in 2011, my oncologist noticed some higher than normal levels of a couple of cancer markers and ordered a PET scan. That in itself was interesting, I drank a radioactive liquid that would light up with the emissions from the machine, detecting hot spots which could indicate fast-growing cells which could be cancer. And guess what, a big bright spot right on my ovary. I got yet another doc, a gynecological oncologist, who came from the big city twice a month to our hospital to treat similar cases. Went to the big city hospital to have the surgery which was a hysterectomy plus the big ovarian mass (9mm). He told me how lucky I was to have Stage 1 ovarian cancer - he hardly ever gets to give patients that diagnosis because it is so hard to detect and is often not discovered until farther along. So my breast cancer, which was minimal and maybe not even cancer, nevertheless motivated the monitoring that uncovered the ovarian cancer, early. This time, of course, I had chemo - 6 treatments, 1 every 3 weeks, over 5 months, of spring semester, 2012. One week of feeling sick after the treatment, 2 weeks of feeling well enough to teach (and swim and walk). My wonderful colleagues stepped in to take classes during my off weeks. Ben shaved my head early on before my hair fell out. I had a wig made and wore it while teaching and other official occasions, scarves on off days, and bald at home. Last chemo was mid-May, hair started growing back a few months later. It turns out I like it short and have kept it that way. Once again, cancer-free, still on the anastrozole, still getting checkups every 3 months, and also getting an infusion of zometa every 3 months to counteract the bone-thinning effects of the anastrozole. During the chemo sessions I relaxed by listening to guided visualizations and my favorite music, napping, meditating, and reading. I even checked email - free WiFi. I tried to maintain a positive attitude throughout. I had wonderful support from family and friends - they made soup, brought me ginger and chocolate and tea, and walked and talked and listened and advised me through the whole thing. Ben was a trooper and I love him for it.

More Docs and a new Date

Met with the radiation oncologist on Monday. He seemed a little harried but seemed to want to make me feel like I had his full attention, which of course people always like. We looked at the films of the mammograms, and he repeated what had been said previously by other docs. He then explained the radiation options. The first option, traditional external non-invasive, involves a lot of planning and mapping and imaging to make sure the right place is targeted, with x-rays. It would take 6 weeks, 5 days a week. The 2d newer option, requires insertion of a catheter with a small balloon into the site of the lumpectomy. The balloon is filled with liquid, then twice a day for 5 days iridium gamma rays (shorter) are directed into the balloon. Meanwhile, you have to walk around with this piece of plastic sticking out from your breast. But that will be my choice, to get it over with faster.

Met with the cardiologist Tuesday. He compared the EKG with the previous one I had last fall, and said they were just the same so I was fine. I mentioned I had biked 20 miles in 85 degree heat and humidity on Sunday, and he laughed and said that was a sufficient stress test. He said he’d send the cardio clearance letter to the surgeon’s office that afternoon. Then I had to endure waiting for my new appt over the weekend, until finally it was rescheduled for Sept. 9. Relief at having a definite date again, although disappointment that it wasn't sooner. More opportunity to practice acceptance and detachment.